Gabriel Hummel » Relationships

Relationship Graph

Gabriel Hummel — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 00:33:14 +0000

Ever wonder what a typical romantic relationship looks like in a graph?

Neither did I, until I saw this awesomeness from the internet hive mind

The Moral High Ground

Gabriel Hummel — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 23:25:17 +0000

At last it is time to reveal to an unwitting world the great game of Moral High Ground. Moral High Ground is a long-playing game for two players. The following original rules are for one M and one F, but feel free to modify them to suit your player setup:

1. The object of Moral High Ground is to win.

2. Players proceed towards victory by scoring MHGPs (Moral High Ground Points). MHGPs are scored by taking the conspicuously and/or passive-aggressively virtuous course of action in any situation where culpability is in dispute.

(For example, if player M arrives late for a date with player F and player F sweetly accepts player M’s apology and says no more about it, player F receives the MHGPs. If player F gets angry and player M bears it humbly, player M receives the MHGPs.)

3. Point values are not fixed, vary from situation to situation and are usually set by the person claiming them. So, in the above example, forgiving player F might collect +20 MHGPs, whereas penitent player M might collect only +10.

4. Men’s MHG scores reset every night at midnight; women’s roll over every day for all time. Therefore, it is statistically highly improbable that a man can ever beat a woman at MHG, as the game ends only when the relationship does.

5. Having a baby gives a woman +10,000 MHG points over the man involved and both parents +5,000 MHG points over anyone without children.

A friend and her bf developed Moral High Ground during their relationship, and it has given them years of hilarity. Straight coupledom involves so much petty point-scoring anyway that everyone involved is already an expert.

By making a private joke out of incredibly destructive gender programming, MHG releases a great deal of relationship stress and encourages good behavior in otherwise trying situations, and it’s a hell of a lot of fun

Play and enjoy!

Why You Should Listen to Strangers

Gabriel Hummel — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 00:49:12 +0000

(Photo by Bibimorvarid)

What are some of the most amazing things you experience that are often taken for granted?

Your friends

Your family

Your significant other

I find that one of the most common things that people take for granted are the people in their lives, and more importantly their stories

A story can be anything, but typically it is a snapshot of their life that offers so much uniqueness and individuality that you can’t help but be fascinated

These stories are often overlooked, and many times are rarely even brought to the table in a conversation

I am here to tell you that some of the most fascinating and best learning experiences I have ever had in my life were when I had a engrossing LISTENING experience with my friends and family and even a stranger that I met for a few moments

Here are some tips and insight I have received while actively pursuing the stories of the many people I have met in my adventures around the world

Every person is unique in this world

They have their own appearance, style, interests, passions, everything

The most fascinating thing above all of this, and the single thing above all us that makes is individuals in this world is our life stories

These stories cannot be duplicated, reproduced, or even relived by anyone but the person who experienced it firsthand

Even identical twins that were raised the exact same way and were given the exact same life experience would turn out to have two completely different people, each with their own unique outlook on the rollercoaster that was their life

Every person you meet has one of these amazing stories to share

No matter what happened in your life, good or bad, your life story is amazing and those experiences are what shaped you into the person you are today. Listening to this story from someone is one of the most rewarding and powerful experiences you can have

All you need to do is have a conversation with someone

Instead of talking, proactive listening, ask people what they are passionate about, how they got interested into it, why they enjoy it

People will always fall back onto their life experiences, and offer you clips of their life that are reminiscent of a long study of a beautiful painting

Whether they are friends, family, or some random bar groupie, you will never be disappointed

It’s a great experience because the person you are talking to is fully engrossed in telling their tale

The passion and expressiveness that they use dwarfs any Michael Bay blockbuster or trip to a theme park, or even a night of passion (okay maybe not that )

You can also be offered a plethora of knowledge that will offer new insight and advice for use in your own life

One of the best ways to learn is by hearing it, “from the horse’s mouth” and hearing someone explain some experience that they went through can ultimately benefit you in your own present and future endeavors. This firsthand experience is some of the best information you will ever receive on any subject

I once struck up a conversation with a man who worked at a Caribou coffee, what started out as banter quickly evolved into a brief but intrinsic look into his life and his dreams of being a veterinarian. Every moment after I went into that store I was greeted warmly and was offered my normal coffee for free on the basis that I always came in on the evenings.

I have had similar instances with business connections, life advice, free drinks at bars, and even developed some great long term relationships out of merely having a meaningful conversation with another person, and taking a genuine interest in who they were and what they loved

Its not even about the material rewards, even if you never get anything physical in return, the mere act of doing this will be rewarding enough for you

The possibilities of opening yourself and your ears to the people you met on a day to day basis may not sound like the most fun idea, hell it might even seem boring

But I assure you that if you try this a few times, and learn to truly listen to someone and not just go through the motions like you normally would, you will find nuggets of gold in what people are saying

The next time you go to the bar, spend time with friends, run into someone at a grocery store, be sure chat them up and be sure to really listen to them and watch the benefits to them and yourself flow

Gabriel

Being Truly Alive As Generation Y

Gabriel Hummel — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 15:14:35 +0000

While I was on my US tour, someone sent me a very interesting video that showcases the mentality of many people that exist in the world today. This video is particularly applicable to futures generations, including my own generation Y, as with the information age on the rise, people are often feeling less connected to others, and more connected to a screen, job, or even a paycheck.

If you are going to watch the video be sure to watch it the whole way through, because the video also makes a valid positive point that speaks to everyone and I know anyone is capable of, no matter what their circumstances or mentality

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQKBeTMGahs

The Unknown Golden Rule in Dating

Gabriel Hummel — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 15:52:51 +0000

(Photo by Virginiaz)

“He said he would call me sometime, so I’m sure I’ll hear from him soon”

“Did you see that chick last night, she was kissing me and all over me, she is going to be new my girlfriend guys”

Ever wonder why that guy hasn’t called you yet, or why that girl you made out with at the bar is simply not returning your calls?

During this journey of bar hopping, stalking guys and girls at malls, and even getting all dressed up to go to the grocery store to buy a piece of cheese, communication misinterpretation is bound to happen

It happens when that guy doesn’t call you back after the first date and you don’t know why

It happens when that girl you hooked up with at the bar does not return your phone calls and you don’t understand why she won’t see you again

It is this very misinterpretation that can cause you to waste countless hours on guys or girls who will not pan out in future

I want to show you what misinterpretation in relationships is, and how one rule can help you overcome lead yourself to more positive, healthy, and long lasting relationships

A woman and a man walk into a bar

The woman sits down at the bar and orders an apple martini, while the gentleman meets up with his friends and drinks a beer

The woman notices an attractive man sitting next to her and tries to get his attention by sitting more upright, running her hand around her drinking glass, and trying to make eye contact with him

The man drinking beer with his friends notices this ravishing woman from across the bar and works up the nerve to head in her direction and possibly strike a conversation

The woman finally gets the man’s attention sitting next to him by “accidently” bumping into him. They begin conversing though the man seems more interested in the football game on TV than this woman who is telling him how much she loves his leather jacket

Meanwhile the first man is watching this interaction take place, waiting for an opportune moment to get this stunning woman’s attention

The woman at the bar places her drink right next to the elbow of the man sitting next to her, where it is quickly struck by the man and onto the dress of the woman at the bar

The man at the bar notices and apologizes, and quietly excuses himself from the woman

The man with the beer has noticed this opportunity for a conversation and runs up with napkins to help the woman in distress

The woman says, “thank you” with a big smile on her face

The man believes that this woman must really like him for being so nice to her, and he immediately classifies her as his next potential girlfriend

The woman thinks the man who accidently knocked the drink on her will be back with his own napkins to help clean her up, and of course take her on a romantic date afterwards

Notice any problems with this scenario?

Misinterpretation in relationships can single handling cause more headaches and confusing in dating than any other somersault or back flip that seems to need to occur during the courting of a man or woman

The first man likely thought that because the girl at the bar said thank you , that he had scored and would likely spend the rest of the night tending to her every whim with the likelihood of getting a number that will lead to no man’s land

The woman at the bar likely is still attracted to the man who clearly is to interested in her, and will continue to ignore the man who is bending over backwards to make her happy

This is something that I see all the time, and not just in bars

This misinterpretation seems to occur with nearly every man and woman in nearly every relationship, at least at one point or another

If a guy tells a girl she looks pretty, he could be doing it in a nice way, or in a sexual way

A girl will almost always assume it means that he is into her

If a girl tells a guy that he is really nice and he is a good guy

A guy will likely believe that she is into him by paying such a nice compliment

The common denominator in any of these scenarios is the uncanny ability of the human mind to rationalize and analyze anything a guy or girl does and interpret in a way that benefits them

While having “blind confidence” can support you in achieving your dreams in life, there are moments when you must truly understand a situation before you can exert a level of “all-knowingness”

When it comes to the topic of relationships and misinterpretation it is important to understand this simple rule

1) If a guy(girl) wants to see you, he(she) will find a way to see you

Note that when I say see you, you can replace that with nearly any verb (call you, talk to you, kiss you, etc)

This rule will allow you less stress and more understanding in all of you’re dating and relationships adventures

While as a guy or a girl, having confidence, whether blind or not, is amazing for dating as it will make you more attractive to most guys and girls

It is the moments described above when this rule can be applied

When that girl kindly brushes you off, you can understand that her genuinely saying sorry when she steps on your foot at a bar was not an attempt for you to take her back to your place

Now as a man you can change your approach and try again, or move on because you are wasting time

When a man says he’s going to call you, and he doesn’t try to kiss you, hug you, or even touch your hand when he leaves that bar stool next to you

As a woman you can realize that he wasn’t worth your time, brush it off, and find a guy worthy of your attention

See how simple this is?

Exercise this rule in moments of confusion during your relationships and watch your stress and success rises

Let me know how your next bar crawl goes

Understanding Jealousy

Gabriel Hummel — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 20:19:00 +0000

The topic of jealousy seems to pop up every now and again and seems to be a hot topic at all times, especially on self help forums centered around relationships.

This is a article written by a friend of mine, Mike where he makes a good assessment as to what jealousy actually is and why it has such an occurrence in day to day life.
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It’s a topic that we as a society have to deal with a lot but there’s not much information about it so I’m going to try to put out some understanding to it.

I’m not a psychologist or an expert in the matter but it is something I’ve seen and observed a lot and I do have some insight and info about it which I’ll also type up.

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.
-William Congreve, The Mourning Bride , 1697

When it comes to relationship Jealousy (which is the kind we deal with) you can’t have the Jealousy without attraction.
At some point in all our lives we have had to experience this feeling and In its most intense forms it is a horrible, tormenting obsession.

Love and Jealousy are two of the most strongest and most powerful emotions we as humans have and experience, at it’s strongest people have killed, ruined relationships and lost the things they’ve held most dear to them.

Something along the lines of 20% to 35% of all murders involve a jealous lover.
A third of all couples in therapy have a problem with jealousy. It is common for a jilted lover to threaten suicide, and some do it.

Certainly power is involved; we want the power to keep our lover to ourselves exclusively, Just as falling in love seems “natural” and unlearned, so does jealousy, It just comes over us when someone or something (like work, TV, or sports) threatens our love relationship.
Of course, it isn’t always painful and crazy-making, sometimes it’s milder and fun–a tease– which is the kind a pivot can help with, and a sexual turn on.
In the most extreme case’s, swapping partners.

FEAR AND ANXIETY

The first fear we come to is fear of loss.
Jealousy sees many things that can be lost. The fear of loss of the lover is the greatest. The rest of the fear around jealousy is in fact anxiety, that is to say, it does not have a real object.

The first anxiety comes from the loss of self-esteem. All kinds of self-doubt come up. You don’t have enough money. Something’s wrong with your body. You start projecting your own inadequacies on the other’s actions. If your self-esteem is low, a jealous episode is going to be used as an occasion for proving that you are unlovable.

In spite of Congreve’s famous quote, there is some evidence that men have a more intense jealousy response to losing a loved one than women do, and they take more time to get over it (Mathes, 1988).
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There are five stages of jealousy (White, 1981; Brehm, 1985):

1. Suspecting the threat: If you are insecure about a love relationship (not necessarily about yourself in general) and very dependent on your lover, you are likely to be jealous. You may see “signs” of disaster when none are there. Conversely, some people overlook very suggestive signals. In reality, 45% of the people in the Psychology Today survey had cheated on a partner while pretending to be faithful. Men are more likely to deny feeling jealous; women more readily admit it. If the threat to our relationship–the competitor–is attractive, intelligent, successful, etc., we will be more threatened and more disturbed. If we have or want an exclusive sexual relationship with our lover, we will be more threatened by a competitor than if we were in a non-sexual relationship. If we ourselves have been unfaithful to our partners, others might expect us to be less jealous if our partner also has an affair, but research shows that some unfaithful spouses are more jealous (perhaps, in these cases, the greatest threat to the relationship is when both partners have had affairs).

2. Assessing the threat: We may spy on our lover and the rival; we probably lie awake nights worrying about the situation and reviewing the evidence, “Did she come on to him?,” “I wonder if he has talked to her?,” “Does he love her?,” “Wonder if everybody but me knows about it?” Women are concerned about their partner becoming attracted to other women by sex, intelligence, and other attractions, and dissatisfaction with the current relationship. Thus, women feel multiple threats. Men are consciously more concerned about their partner finding someone who will offer a more secure, committed relationship. Men are more concerned (than women) about protecting or re-building their egos if they are “beaten out” by another man; they worry about their partner having sex with someone else (but they’d probably blame the partner if that did happen). Men see a threat and feel jealous first, then worry that something is wrong with them. Women are more concerned with maintaining the relationship; they worry about losing love; they feel inadequate first, then jealous. It is in this intensive worry and spying stage that we go crazy, see the discussion of irrational ideas in chapters 6, 7, and 14.

3. Emotional reactions: If we decide there is a threat to our love, we can have a very wide range of responses: clinging dependency (more women but many men too), violent rage at the competitor or the partner (more men), morbid curiosity, self-criticism, and depression with suicidal thoughts (more women), hurt and resentment of the partner’s lack of devotion and resistance, social embarrassment, selfish–sometimes realistic–concerns (“I’d better take the money out of the bank”), urge to “get back at” the partner, fear of losing companionship, loneliness, regrets at giving up all the future plans, etc., etc

The 1950’s advocated “family togetherness.” In the late 1960’s and 1970’s there was an “open marriage” movement (O’Neill & O’Neill, 1973); we were told that jealousy was a sign of inconsiderate possessiveness and immaturity, that we were selfishly restricting our partner’s love for everyone. Certainly many people tried gallantly to suppress jealous feelings while being open and modern “swingers,” but many failed. At the same time, there were arguments that jealousy was a natural, inevitable, and useful reaction (Mace, 1958; Harrison, 1974). Surely, a couple deciding on exclusiveness in their love and sexual life is not always a master-slave relationship, not necessarily one-sided possessiveness. Yet, love is scary. We can be hurt; the lover has power over us; we need to be #1 in his/her life. How does someone become so important in our emotional life? In the same way The Little Prince loved his rose bush (Saints-Exupery, 1943). It’s a neat part of a story.

4. Coping response: There are two basic choices–desperately trying to shore up the threatened relationship or trying to protect or bolster your sagging ego. Men are more likely than women to become competitive and/or have angry reactions, often including getting drunk or high. Women more often become weak and depressed; sometimes they act like they don’t care; more often, they cry, plead, and blame themselves (Brehm, 1985). Bar talk suggests that recently rejected lovers are sexually on the make and/or sexually “easy.” An interesting study by Shettel-Neuber, Bryson, & Young (1978) suggests that men and women, when threatened by an unattractive competitor, are about as likely to go out with “someone else” and be sexually aggressive. However, when threatened by an attractive competitor, men felt an even stronger urge to make it with “someone else,” while women didn’t want to get involved with any other men at all.

5. The outcome: It is important to know if particular emotional and coping responses help or harm threatened relationships. Also, do these responses build or destroy self-esteem? Both self-esteem and love are important. For instance, a threatened lover, who temporarily keeps his/her partner (and protects his/her ego) by threatening violence or suicide or by frantically begging, will probably lose the lover’s respect in the process.
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Interesting post on jealousy. I believe that every person has some level of jealousy within them, and weather the weight of it is emphasized more towards relationships, the workplace, or any other situation, it is best for you to gain a active conscience understanding the next time you feel jealous and make the effort to separate yourself from those feelings.

I do not advocate a removal of the feeling all together, because as Mike says, jealousy acts a form of threat assessment, which is useful. However, I do believe that the minute you are overcome with jealousy is the minute that you stop living in the present and begin to amplify bad personality traits. It is better to keep your best self forward, and maintain a positive outlook when jealousy rears its head.

Gabriel